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When I first met my fiancée I told him early on that I had decided I did not want to have children. He seemed apprehensive but didn't say anything so I figured it wasn't that big of a deal to him either. The day before my appointment with a specialist to talk about permanent birth control I told him what my plan was. He told me he supported me but always felt he wanted a family to which I replied that there were so many kids out there who needed a family and if I ended up with someone who really wanted that we could adopt. He seemed understanding but I saw sadness in his face. The next day at the hospital I shocked both the Doctor and myself by asking "what if down the road I do want to get pregnant?". As much as the idea of being pregnant distrubed me I decided maybe I should wait a couple more years to see if you met someone who may really want this. Don't get me wrong, its a miracle how a female's body works and the whole growing a human being in your stomach and pushing it out of your whooo-ha and all but I was in the fitness industry and was all set with hearing one more woman say 'just wait until you have kids'. My body had to be able to perform at max, top speeds and 14 hour days 7 days a week in order to not just support myself, but to do what I love to do and be happy. I was all in favor of giving a good home to a baby or child who needed one and did not see the need to turn my body into a baby making mechanism. Its beautiful on other woman but was not what I wanted.

Back to my story, the Doctor ran tests and the conclusion was that I would not be able to get pregnant even if I wanted to. She said through the years of fitness competing, working 70 hours a week of a physical job and the mental stress of running 3 stduios on my own, which was my dream job and I couldn't have been happier, my reproducive system had shut down. Basically my body said "this is not a baby making or growing envionment." Those of you who know me know that when am told I cannot do something that makes me want to do it. Stubborn yes. I was not quite ready to jump on the baby makng bandwagon but I wanted to know it was an option down the road. She said we would test every month and said at the end of a year you can start fertiity treatment if you decide to do that. My fiancee was happy that there was a chance and the door wasn't bolted shut. All of that testing though, it really can make you feel crappy. Every month she said "nope, system still shut down". I tried cutting hours at the studio and find more balance in my life, haha. 14 hour days 5 days a week were now 12. Lifting 5x a week was now 3. Teaching 2 classes a day was now 1. Working 7 days a week was now half days on weekends. Still....nada.

All of the testing was getting to me and even though I wasnt sure I wanted to have a baby, ever, I was annoyed that my body wasnt performing how it should and it was stressing me out. Once we got engaged I told him I was going to take a break with testing each month and after the wedding we could start fertility. by that time we would have hopefully found a house as rasising a baby in our apartment wasn't my dream location. Shortly later, that last month I tested negative before I took my year break of beating myself up over my body not working properly I found out I was pregant. It wasnt that jumping up and down feeling like OMG I am going to be a mom. It was that holy shit that damn test lied. Not an unhappy feeling just an overwheming, surprised, slightly happy kind of feeling. Sure this was something I wanted to be a possibility but I wasnt thinking it would be a reality, not so soon! 20 weeks later and although it has been a rocky road, I have no regrets.

I will be blogging daily starting tomorrow now that its public (the girl who owns krave fitness hasn't just given up on a six pack, ist been stollen by a little alien). I don't suagr coat and can be inappropriate so if I offend you I apologize in advance, blame it on the hormones.

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